


Sad

by Thatsarcasticidiot



Series: Sad [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Crime, Crimes & Criminals, Depression, Implied Relationships, M/M, NCT Dream - Freeform, Teenage Rebellion, Theft, inspired by go lol I forgot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-08-17
Packaged: 2019-06-28 18:40:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15712851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatsarcasticidiot/pseuds/Thatsarcasticidiot
Summary: They were sad, and they miss it. Because now, it's worse.They're numb.





	Sad

**Author's Note:**

> I'm trying to write more of these fics to try stop the negative stigma around mental health issues and problems. You should be able to talk about your mental health without feeling ashamed or scared. You should be able to be honest with yourself about your mental health and get help if you need it.
> 
> You should not be ashamed if you have a mental illness. You should be able to speak about it freely. It's _normal_ , not taboo. Humans have limits and once you reach it and it breaks, these things happen.
> 
>  
> 
> I also did not romanticise mental health with this (or I tried not to), and tried to keep it as real as possible with their emotions, so I based it off my own experiences with depression. These boys do not get 'fixed' magically. They're trying to do what makes them feel okay, and this isn't the right way, I'm just showcasing what the pressure of depression can make people do.
> 
> Follow my Twitter if you’d like @ten_decibels 
> 
> I guess this is already kind of a trigger warning so yeah. Enjoy.

They started with small crime, petty things that people didn't really care about; jamming the stop buttons on elevators and escalators, stealing sweets, little trinkets. Small things. They were still scared back then.

The details on how they met are blurred for all of them. The only thing they remember is being at a party, and they stuck together ever since. Not much talking actually took place between the seven, confiding included. They saw each other as people with their own struggles, own battles, own demons and that was that. There wasn't much else to do about it. But what they don't talk about at all, or even acknowledge, are the texts sent at two in morning. Texts of desperation, overwhelming sadness. They don't talk about the sneaking out of the house at ass o'clock in the morning, just to make sure the other is okay. 

Donghyuck had it the worst out of the boys, and it was kind of an unspoken understanding between the boys. Donghyuck was the one who thrived from their illegal acts the most. Donghyck had the roughest past. Donghyuck had the most fluctuating personality out of them, his moods coming in bursts, excitable and loud for a while, then quiet and brooding the next. His highs soared, and his lows were plummeting, extreme and dark.

His lows were very difficult, he almost couldn't be trusted alone, he was a completely different person. He was very hard to understand, but the boys did a pretty good job of keeping his head above water when his parents were failing miserably, and he in turn did the same for the rest. Mark and Donghyuck were each other's life support, Mark seemed to just _get_ Donghyuck, and Donghyuck was the one Mark felt most comfortable with. It was beautiful. Well, as beautiful as you could get in their fucked up situation.

Jaemin fared quite well compared to the rest of the boys. Although never truly happy, he was rather skilled at pretending, built from his conservative parents, who could not handle a depressed son, who would tarnish their reputation considerably; they could not handle the looks sent their way by their 'friends', judging them for having a weird son. He was already below their standards, due to his falling grades, so they could not have him embarrass them further. He tried to tell them that something wasn't right, that no normal kid should be feeling the way he did, it took a lot of courage. He just wanted to be happy. They beat the 'happiness' into him. Ironic, isn't it.

They stopped after Jaemin began plastering smiles on his face, treating him favourably, becoming the parents Jaemin always needed. But he wasn't happy, he knew what his parents could become, just in the time it takes for his face to fall.

Depression. They don't like to use that word. It causes too much of a big deal, makes them objects, it gets looks of pity and sorrow sent their way. They don't need that. They don't use any word apart from _sad_ to describe their emotions. Because that's what they are, it's simple and short. Sad.

But they're not just sad. Sad doesn't explain the nights spent awake, staring at the ceiling, emotionless, but awake. Sad doesn't explain the eating, then the not eating at all. It doesn't explain having a perfect day, but still feeling 'sad'. Sad doesn't cut it. They know they're not 'sad', but they haven't come to terms with it yet.

But everything bends before it breaks. The first time any of them used the 'd' word, it was after they had stolen from a small corner shop, nothing special. They had decided the break into a closed mall on a random whim afterwards. Their first crime larger than stealing a pack of sweets, random, unplanned, like every other aspect of their lives.

They were cheering, screaming, insane, their shouts echoing throughout the empty mall. It was kind of unsettling, how they were the only ones in the entire building, but they could take what they liked. That instantly cancelled out any fear that they may have been feeling. They were sitting on a bench located in the mall, resting after their celebratory dances.

"There's something wrong with us." 

All eyes instantly snapped towards Renjun, who was tucked under Jeno's arm, who was smiling widely, a very pretty smile, eyes shaped into cresents. Renjun didn't see it enough. Renjun, however, was the only one who wasn't laughing and cheering with the rest, even Mark was laughing freely. He ducked his head under the gaze of all six boys, suddenly shy.

"I mean think about it, we're a bunch of depressed kids committing crimes, and breaking into places." 

Everyone went silent at the mention of the 'd' word, the silence even more deafening in the spacious mall. They never used _that_ word so it was pretty bold of quiet, little Renjun to use it after they had all just come off the high of successfully getting into the mall. Chenle spoke but was cut off immediately, "We're not dep-"

Renjun gave him a look, "How many of us have felt even mildly suicidal?" 

Everyone instantly cast their gazes to the floor upon meeting Renjun's, they felt as if Renjun was stripping them bare, examining their every emotion. 

"See. We all want to die, so we're doing this in an attempt to hold on." With no response, he continued, "I'm not saying we should stop, because this is the most alive I've felt in years, but it's about time we at least accept it."

After that episode, things went back to normal, nothing changed, it was if it never happened, but the air around them was different. There was now a different tension between the boys, one that felt as if it would never snap, eye contact was always broken, feelings were never discussed, and their crimes were happening at a much higher rate. They were falling, and it was too late for anyone to even try to catch them.

-

It got worse. Vandalising, putting their mark on everything, breaking and entering, stealing things that actually mattered, stealing from people's homes. They just didn't care anymore. They couldn't give a fuck about what happened to them, or their friends, or quite frankly, the world. They were just exhausted, caring takes energy. Energy that they don't have.

They wanted to feel free. Feel something, anything. It didn't work. They were emptier than when they started. At least they felt fear back then. Now they didn't even get scared anymore; they were used to the red and blue flashing lights in the distance. 

The first time they were caught, it was Jisung only, he refused to speak, refused to give the rest of the boys away. When the officers began to get frustrated and aggressive at the silence, he only uttered two words,

"We're sad."

The officers eventually let him go, seeing as he was a child and the crime of stealing a sandwich and a drink wasn't too serious in their books. They let him leave on a warning. Told him he was lucky the shop owner was so kind. He didn't care. He wouldn't have cared if he had to stay. There was nothing out there for him anyways. Apart from the guys. Maybe.

They were criminals now and they'd been caught many times after that, and every damn time, they said the same two words, nothing more, nothing less. They were addicted to the rush, the adrenaline boost of nearly being caught, it was refreshing, like the first swallow of ice cold water on a hot day spent suffering in the heat, different from the close to nothing they felt inside.

They all started the same; Sad. Days spent in bed, too weak to get up, leave the house. Thoughts of uselessness plaguing them throughout the day, following them, attacking them. Self pitying. Worthless. _Sad_. Their parents thought it was a part of their teenage rebellion phase, along with everything else they didn't agree with or understand. Their sexualities for example. _You'll get over it. It's a phase._ Kids weren't supposed to feel like this, people with real worries, and real struggles were. Not kids. They were sad, and they miss it. Because now, it's worse. 

They're numb.

And the the next time they were caught, they said those exact words.

**Author's Note:**

> I tried a new writing style with this I guess. I used a lot of full stops to kinda represent how chunky and play/pause, their lives feel at this point. I mean you can tell me if you don't like it and I'll refrain from using it in the future.
> 
> AND I JUST WANT TO SAY THAT DEPRESSION DOES NOT EQUAL SUICIDAL THOUGHTS. It is very possible to be depressed and suicidal but it does not validate your depression. You can be depressed and not have suicidal thoughts. Do not undermine yourself and get help if you need it!!! 
> 
>  
> 
> If y'all would like me to continue this and make it a series, so a fic for each member explaining their backstories and relationships, then lmk in the comments.
> 
> Also what's staying in one tense lol.
> 
> This fic was just meant to represent how I've been feeling recently. Numb. I was always sad. And now I'm not always sad, I thought it was a good thing but it's not. It's weird. I don't like it.


End file.
